cough

i should probably make an attempt to write. not necessarily a journal-type thing. a creative thing. i use to do that. often. not saying i was good at it, but at least i was trying.

i'm in deep. that's a good thing and a bad thing. i'd prefer it to all be good, but the bad makes me apprciate the good. i've had it worse, tho. i can take it. and dish it. get outa my way! nah, you dont' have to.

still a push over. yup, that's me. i don't think i would be happy if i didn't do for others. i've learned the word *no* and use it on occasion. but, i prefer to please when i can. the no's only go to those who aren't deserving and take advantage. but, then again, i don't let those sorts of people in my life . . . for very long, at least.

yeah, i'm just not feeling it. i need to lock myself away and have no social life. that makes me creative. i prefer the life right now, tho.

grrr

i find myself in a position to want and not want at the same time. i am not satisfied with the idea that i am the one who makes things happen. i am not satisfied that i am the one to make effort. i am not satisfied with the concept of out of sight out of mind. yes, i have been guilty of this before myself, but because i know how that feels, i try not to do that to others. even if it's simply a quick hello instead of an invitation to an outing, it's a nice jesture to let someone know you're thinking of them. i'd much prefer to do without you if you are this type of person. i'd rather move on than wonder if you have any intention on living up to the standards you set yourself up with.

mental inventory:

- still haven't a clue... but i'm getting better!
- a handful of coins (nope, no quarters)
- a few memories that i've been meaning to forget
- some ideas that never fermented into anything (but appear to have some kind of mold growing on them)
- faces that probably are remembered completely different than they actually are
- a bunch of phone numbers i never called (but probably should have)
- old flyers to shows and parties i wanted to catch (many with those phone numbers on them)
- a ton of names i never could remember until it was too late
- flashbacks of life's bitter horrors i've somehow managed to survive
- tunes i can't remember how to play anymore
- too many questions in some language i do not know

...all covered with dust bunnies and stuck together with old chewed up gum (yeah... always wondered where gum goes when you swallow it, huh?)


i'm sure there's much more in there. in fact, i know there is... i'm just kinda scared to look in some of the crevasses. and i think i actually saw something move in the shadows over there. oh, and i can't forget the whispers... but i think that's just the voices congregating.